I'm embarrassed about being terrified

I'm so afraid of something that I know I shouldn't be afraid of.  I've been there, done that....why am I so terrified?

I know you all are sick of hearing about my whiny pregnant self, but I can't help it.  So now I'm going to share something (whether you like it or not).  I'm scared...scared to give birth, even though its still over 5 months away. So I'm going to tell you why.

I have given birth 4 times.  FOUR.  3 of those 4 times I did so without an epidural.  2 of those 3 while being put on pitocin.  I'm not trying to boast, but seriously, I'm no stranger to the pain, and I'm NOT a wuss.  But the moment I found out I was pregnant one thing has settled into the pit of my stomach....FEAR.  Not just fear of being a mom to five young children (which in itself is pretty terrifying as well), but fear of the pain of pushing this fifth child out!

I'm super embarrassed about this fear.  Who am I to fear something that I've done successfully and without regret that many times?  I was confused as to why I'm so afraid for awhile, but I think I've narrowed it down to a few factors.

1. Scott and I got pregnant with Echo on purpose.  Ivy was big and doing well and had a while before another surgery would need to be done.  The timing was perfect and we were ready.  I was able to mentally prepare myself for pregnancy AND childbirth before even becoming pregnant.  This time, I didn't have that opportunity, (not to mention the timing is less than ideal).

2. I think one of the big reasons women continue to have children is because they "forget" what its like to give birth, because honestly, if we remembered every ounce of pain we felt, we'd never do it again!  Echo's birth is still DARN FRESH in my mind.  I remember that pain, and I remember it well.  I remember that feeling of losing control of my own pain management right before her head came out and feeling like I couldn't do it.  I remember how the pitocin made my contractions hit so hard and how I went from being dilated to a 3 to being a 10 in what felt like minutes (in actuality it was like 2 hours).  It was intense and it was painful, and it is as clear in my mind as if it had happened yesterday.

3. After delivering Echo I had a very distinct feeling of relief because I KNEW I wouldn't have to go through that pain again for a long time, if at all.  That feeling of relief has now been completely stripped away, and replaced by the shock of having to go through it all again so quickly.

So I'm writing this to ask for your advice.  And I don't mean telling me to get an epidural, because that ISN"T happening.  Advice about pain management.  What have you done to help you get through a natural labor, or any intense pain? I'm thinking about hypnobirthing at this point.  Don't give me that look!  I know what your thinking, but some women actually fall asleep during labor and are still having contractions without any pain meds.  That is amazing to me.  I want this labor to be that relaxed (or even just slightly relaxed).  I think another key is probably that I need to avoid that pitocin!!  Dexter's birth is the only one I had that was pitocin free and I'd love to do it that way again.  His really stands out in my mind as the only one (of the natural labors) that I didn't lose control at the end.

Thoughts?