Today I feel like a bad mother.

Its only 10:15 in the morning and I've already cried.  This week has been hard.  On Monday Dexter received and ill-gained reward for 3 days of good behavior.  I say ill-gained because the other kids always have good behavior and don't get squat, Dexter is good for three days and gets brownies....its kind of ridiculous.  Anyway, after those three days of heavenly bliss he reverted back to his old bossy, tantrum-ridden self, and everyday since has gotten worse.  Last night we really struggled to get him to just go to bed.  I don't know if I mentioned that we recently separated him from Corbin because he never let Corbin sleep and it was a fight every single night.  Since he moved into his own room its been better, if only slightly.  At least Corbin is getting more sleep (except when he loses track of time and reads too long).  Anyway, last night Dexter was a nightmare (didn't have a nightmare, was a nightmare).  We ended up putting one of those child-proof door knob things on his door on the inside, so he couldn't get out, and he proceeded to cry himself to sleep.

This morning has been a struggle since the moment he opened his eyes. It was a fight to get dressed, it was a fight to eat cereal instead of candy and then when I gave Ivy her morning medicine Dexter's world came crumbling down over not getting to give her the aspirin pill.  He lost all control of his emotions and went into a complete lying on the floor kicking and screaming fit.  I had had enough.  I picked up his wiggling, screaming body and carried him up the stairs to his room, practically threw him on the floor and slammed the door, yelling that he could come out when he was ready to act like a human being again. I sat on the floor in front of his door to wait.  He began kicking the door, really hard and screaming like he was dying.  I opened the door and proceeded to scream at him for the next 6 or 7 minutes (while both of our cereal got soggy and Echo cried at the bottom of the stairs), and I swear I have never come that close to beating a child as I did at that moment.

He eventually calmed down, and so did I, he went downstairs and finished his cereal, I crawled down the stairs to my crying baby girl and carefully picked her up.  I was in some pretty severe pain along the bottom of my stomach (I'm pretty sure it was just round ligament pain from straining to carry a 5 year old up the stairs and then yell at him for a while).  I sat on the floor holding Echo, letting my cereal turn to mush, and began to cry.  I feel like the worst mom ever.  I can't believe I sunk down to his level and screamed at him for so long, and came so close to knocking him out!  I sat there crying until the pain in my stomach subsided and then I went and talked to Dexter who, by then, was acting like nothing had happened.  I begged him to be good, and bribed him with cupcakes if he could be good for an entire 7 days.  He agreed, and for the last hour has been pleasant as punch.

I don't know what to do with him.  I'm terrified for him to go to kindergarten, afraid he'll do things like that to his poor teacher.  I've read parenting books on what to do with an unruly child, I've tried everything and I don't have anymore ideas.  Maybe if I continue to bribe him he can be good for an entire month by the time he goes to college!!  But by then I'd have to bribe him with a car or something!  I know that bribery is not the answer, but its hard not to do it if it can get me a week of peace.

I'm sorry this a long rant style post, and it has no resolution, I just wanted to get it off my chest.  I think I'm going to spend the rest of the day out in the sunshine doing nothing significant to clear my head, and hopefully tomorrow we can have a fresh start.  Have a good weekend.