Maybe this post is too depressing...skip if you'd like

Worrying. Its just one of those things that women do.  I'm no exception.  Here are some worries I have lately.

I worry about bed-rest.  That darn IUD moving around freely inside my body has me nervous.  I keep thinking its going to cause something to go wrong and I end up on bed-rest while Ivy has to have heart surgery, or even just after heart surgery. I have no idea how I will take care of the other kids if I am stuck in bed all the time.

I worry about what in the crap I'm going to do with my kids while I deliver my newest little babe.  Seriously.  This was a big concern when I had Echo also (luckily several people stepped up to the plate to help out).  I feel alone here in Boise without my Mom, sisters, Mother-in-law, and friends around to help in a tight spot. Those that came last time can't come this time because the baby is due in september and they both work at schools.  I feel guilty about leaving 4 small children with my sister-in-law Collette because she has 4 small children of her own, plus she lives WAY across town, and I have quick labors.  I have a few friends in the ward that could possibly help out also, but with so many kids, I'd probably have to find two sitters and split up the kids, because I don't want to burden one person too much. I secretly hope (maybe not so secretly) I will just suddenly have the baby in the middle of the night, in the bathtub, while the kids sleep peacefully in their beds, and then I can just take a quick trip to the hospital after, get both of us checked out and then come back home.  I know, its ridiculous, but it almost sounds easier than figuring out a babysitter.

Lately I've also started worrying about this baby growing inside me.  I don't know why.  Its noticeable how much I worry.  Scott has said that I definitely seem to be more worried about this one than the others (except maybe for Ivy, but that was a whole different ball-game).  I think it might have something to do with guilt.  I wasn't happy when I found out about this baby and was in denial for a long time.  I was embarrassed to tell people I was pregnant, even my closest friends.  But now that the idea is embedded in my brain that I have another little one coming along, and I'm excited about it, I'm afraid it'll be taken away.  I spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about the baby moving.  I seriously sit still and feel for it several times a day.  Deep down I keep thinking it will die and I won't notice and then I will realize it hasn't moved for a while and have to deliver a dead baby.  Because at this stage in a pregnancy (25 weeks) its no longer a miscarriage, you have to deliver a baby even if its passed away.  That would be my worst nightmare I think.

Most of all I think, I worry about Ivy.  She has heart surgery coming up in a matter of weeks.  Its a scary thing to anticipate.  You never know what could go wrong.  She is very healthy now, which is good, but things can turn around quickly with a condition like her's.  In the last few months her toes have begun to turn blue-er than normal (she has always had some slight blueness, but not like this), especially when she is getting a lot of exercise or gets too hot or too cold.  She also tires out really quickly and sometimes has to take several minutes to catch her breath.  These are all signs that surgery is definitely becoming more necessary, and its good that we've already got it scheduled, but it can still be a scary thing to see those blue toes!  I just really love that girl and I want her to be okay, and I know she needs that surgery to be okay, but its something that makes me increasingly nervous the closer it gets.  I don't allow myself to even think about her not making it through because it would just be too hard and devastating.  I don't think I could go on without her.

Ugh...if your still reading this, you are amazing.  What a terrible post.  I'm sorry to annoy everyone with my depressing thoughts.  I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.